content.

29 July 2009 @ 04:19 pm

so i admit it: i read make up reviews online and yet wear very little make up. recently, i've discovered my interest in make up but i feel like actually wearing makeup is just too much effort and i don't want to look overdone. anyway, i've discovered this whole parabens and company fiasco. apparently, there are a bunch of harsh chemicals and preservatives in makeup (who would've guessed?). i've also heard bad things about microminerals and nano minerals (i'm assuming they block pores but i honestly haven't researched this yet). so, i think i'm jumping onto the paraben-free bandwagon so save my body and skin... maybe healthier, organic makeup will provide some incentive for me to start using the stuff sparingly.

i'm going to try out the physician's formula organic wear tinted moisturizer in "ivory to fair" today as well as the bonus mascara that came in the package with it. i got it for $8.50 plus tax! i think it's a good deal considering the moisturizer alone costs $16!

i wanted the next shade up but they didn't have any =(. i hope it isn't too light.

perhaps i'll blog more about my makeup endeavours... or school... or life... or all of the above!

alright, i better get to studying for my psychology midterm that is NEXT WEEK (AHHHHH). i'm done reading half a chapter out of six that i need to read and KNOW by next wednesday. it's an interetsing textbook at the very least (abnormal psychology: the problem of maldaptive behaviour).

WHEEE it's summer and i'm still in school. i only have myself to blame *sulk*.

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20 April 2009 @ 12:14 am

i will sing for joy

Psalm 63 (verses 1 - 5)
¹ O God, You are my God;
         Early will I seek You;
         My soul thirsts for You;
         My flesh longs for You
         In a dry and thirsty land
         Where there is no water.
² So I have looked for You in the sanctuary,
         To see Your power and Your glory.

³ Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,
         My lips shall praise You.
⁴ Thus I will bless You while I live;
         I will lift up my hands in Your name.
⁵ My soul shall be satisfied as with marrow and fatness,
         And my mouth shall praise You with joyful lips.

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16 November 2008 @ 07:07 pm

Thirsty

Hello world, I am writing to you on my very own laptop! YAY!

I am extremely thirsty at the moment or burnt out, or both. I have a headache to boot... and yes, as a last resort I decided to post on my beloved LJ. Good times.

Life has been hectic as of late. Five courses is a lot more than I bargained for. I think four will be the perfect amount. I decided to get two part time jobs which take up about six hours each week. I additionally (and stupidly) decided to practice driving and have been having weekly driving lessons since September.

My grades and sanity are suffering but other than that... life is good. The family is doing well and my social life has come to a screeching halt. I get by with facebook stalking and a few rare msn conversations/gmail chat.

Feeling weary and not where I should be...

And yet... there is hope in Jesus.

I've been reading some psychological studies on spending money and happiness. Quite interesting! They found that prosocial spending (ie. spending money on others) were more happy than people who spent money on themselves. Hmm... it brings to mind "it is better to give than to receive." I think we all can identify with the warm gushy feeling of getting someone something to brighten up their day!

I feel a little better after ranting right now.

Oh, and a special 18th happy birthday to my little sister Chelsey! Who is currently procrastinating at the aquatic center... instead of coming home and eating dinner that dad made *ahem*.

Two more week of schoooooooool. Can't wait til it is OVER!!!

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17 October 2008 @ 09:01 pm

i'm so ready to be found

from 3 years ago...

'I am almost committing an indecency. I am trying to rip open the inconsolable secret in each one of you - the secret which hurts so much that you take your revenge on it by calling it names like Nostalgia and Romanticism and Adolescence.'

- C.S. Lewis

Think about it. When you're looking back on those photographs of fond memories, aren't you at a loss? So often do we try to capture our desire and try to conceal it as if it were a painting. A flash of time preserved forever. We're constantly looking for life - a life we've only dreamed of. Losing our desire to the world is the greatest loss of all. To lose heart. It is the very core of all that we are. Something within our very nature screams... Once in a while, it will penetrate your heart.

You can run away from desire for a very long time. You can shove it away and pretend it isn't there. You can ignore it. Desire touches us in our dreams and in times where our walls are let down for a while. Then the walls immediately rise back up again.

I love to write. I like to read. I've stopped writing blogs of any meaning to me because I've been afraid. I've been afraid of showing who I am really am. I've been afraid because my writing isn't up to par (although, it is only a journal). I've felt low and inadequate even in my writing. The grammar, vocabulary, and the rules. So, I've supressed it for a while deciding that if I have nothing intelligent to say I should not say it. My insecurities. My heart. I've been guarding it closely lately because I don't want to fall and realize that it was all a dream.

I know my seemingly pointless rambles do not make sense to anyone other than myself. This has caused a great ache in my heart to form. How do I express my heart? My writing leaves me vulnerable. Who knows who's reading? Who knows if it matters?

I do promise that I will always be real. So, I sit here with my heart open to strangers and I leave you with my weaknesses because I know that in this - this, this weakness - there is strength.

mood:

pensive

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18 August 2008 @ 12:19 am

me to the night

it seems like life has just rushed by in the past few years and i've hardly made an effort to record my thoughts. i'm experiencing an aspect of family i've never experienced before. it's been great hanging out with myles's cousins and aunts and uncles. i enjoy listening to the banter between relatives even when i can't understand what they're saying in cantonese. i find that i like listening - even if i can't understand what they're saying because i have a strange notion that perhaps if i strain my ears enough i'll miraculously be able to understand them somehow. anyway, it's been nice having the standard family dinners and potlucks and bubbletea afterwards. after spending my whole life not having aunties or uncles or cousins around, i feel like i am being supremely spoiled and adopted by myles's extended family.

another wonderful relationship that i've seen flourish lately is my relationship with hh (x2). it's great having "older sisters." i'm not that close to them but it's comforting knowing that they practically consider me family. they take care of me in small and practical ways which i appreciate immensely. they're also really great role models to me. holly and harmony's significant others are also great people who encourage me to walk closer to Christ - even though it's in a totally indirect way. in terms of a dating relationship, holly and pete are such a great example to me and i really respect and look up to them.

i am supremely blessed. the Lord has given and the Lord has taken away. in church we talked about suffering with specific reference to job. it was an interesting reminder that satan lies to us and tells us that God doesn't love us (the exact same lie he tells eve in the garden of eden when he's tempting her with the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil). satan clues in on this fundamental human mentality of "what's in it for me?" basically, satan and God are talking and God states that "there is no one else on the earth like job." God delights in job because he is righteous. satan then challenges God and disagrees saying that job is only in it for the blessings God is giving him - job's money, his family, his health. satan challenges God and says that if those blessings were taken away from him, job would curse God. God allows satan to destroy/harm his blessings. first his herds are stolen, then job's health fades, and finally job's children die. job grieves but he acknowledges that everything he had came from God in the first place so if God wants to take it away, He could. job worships God in the midst of suffering. this really reminds me of God's goodness. satan is the one lying to us and telling us that God is not good and that he doesn't love us and have our best interest at heart.

i am so thankful for the life that Jesus has given me. i hope that i can continue to grow.

i look forward to future family dinners. it's wonderful to experience the family life i've always dreamed of. God is so good to me and i don't deserve it at all. better sleep. good night!

music: already in - jon mclaughlin

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12 August 2008 @ 07:43 pm

pull me from the pedastel

I never promised you a ray of light
I never promised there’d be sunshine everyday
I'll give you everything I have
The good the bad

Why do you put me on a pedestal?
I’m so up high that I can’t see the ground below
So help me down, you've got it wrong
I don’t belong there

One thing is clear
I wear a halo
I wear a halo when you look at me
But standing from here
You wouldn’t say so
You wouldn’t say so if you were me

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14 June 2008 @ 12:17 am

need you like water in my lungs

you.

i miss you. even though i've been so far apart from you it's strange that you could still mean so much to me. you do. i don't know you anymore and yet it feels like i do. do i know you anymore?

when i think of you, it feels like all the air in my stomach has been pushed out. straight to my heart.

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30 May 2008 @ 12:11 pm

drum the beat of a heart i can't defeat

It has been a while since I've been here. There's been a huge dam in my creativity and thoughts and it's been difficult to put it out into the open. I was on the bus yesterday and I realized that I didn't want to lose my means of expressing myself through writing. I'm not the most eloquent or intelligent writer but I believe in expressing ideas, opinions, and thoughts in a clear (and seemingly not-so-clear) way by writing them down.

I actually discovered my lack of writing when I observed another inhibition of mine. Yesterday I found that it was hard for me to sing in a smaller group of people. I always feel like I have something to prove to the world about my expressions whether it be writing or singing. I now think that it's important not to lose these two forms of art which I hold dear. It is also equally as important not to lose the reason for these two expressions in my life.

I write because I want to be known or I want to make something, say an idea or a lesson that I've learned, as permanent as can be. So I write not to show off my own cleverness but to express myself in a clear way that I can look back on later and still understand. I can look back on something and appreciate my life at different stages. It is not only what I write but the style in which I write it which tells an even greater story (and I appreciate the stories a lot).

I sing because it also tells a story. Singing allows me to put my heart out into the open. I like to hear my own voice contributing to something much greater and more beautiful than I could sing by myself. It allows me to agree with others in worship and express my heart to God.

My words are more calculated and less of my heart is blatantly exposed - it will take a little digging behind the words. More cautious are these words due to lack of practice in writing and events which must be danced around every so often - it keeps life interesting ;).

music: already in - jon mclaughlin

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01 May 2008 @ 12:57 am

bring may flowers

a flower is like a fruit, i think. i'm not really sure whether or not cherry blossoms produce cherries but i'm fairly certain that apple trees grow apples and have flowers as well. that being said, i've been thinking about fruits of the Spirit today.

in my devotions i was reading from deuteronomy ch. 15 which talked about giving generously from the heart. this brought to mind the community of great grace, power, and generosity in acts ch. 4. the great grace that the believers in the community was further expressed to others as radical generosity. this further reminded me of God's judgment on sapphira & ananaias. you see sapphira and ananaias both tried to "trick" the community into thinking they had generous hearts by selling their land and giving the community only a fraction of what the profit. now this may seem like something reasonable to do. we all sell things and keep some of the profit. however, it was the heart behind what they were doing that was wrong. they were trying to show off their own abilities, works, and intellect in an effort to pretend they had generous hearts - they wanted others to think they had selflessly donated all of the profit when in reality they hadn't.

God doesn't want me to pretend. God desires for me to have a true heart of thanksgiving and generosity. i want the fruits of the Spirit in my life - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. when i think of the fruit of the Spirit, it reminds me to have a genuine heart of thanksgiving and reminds me of the wonders Jesus has in store for me.

another month gone by... i'm excited for what lies ahead!

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17 January 2008 @ 11:38 pm

let it rain

last night i had a strange dream where i was singing this song in a mcdonalds. "alive in this moment" by starfield. so, when am i most alive? i think it's the realization that i find thrilling. i've tried to have such a tight range on what i've been feeling but i realize that i love feeling. a sappy song came on the radio and i enjoyed being moved by it. i looked out of the car window and sung along to worship songs. i read a fantasy series that made me want to read even more. to sit back and appreciate the beauty that is all around me makes me feel alive. God was with me today and he still is. but i know that as i was praising Him and truly desiring to know Him more i was alive :). letting the rain of grace wash away all of my sin. i need You.

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25 December 2007 @ 10:22 pm

Worthy is the Lamb

Thank you for the cross, Lord
Thank you for the price You paid
Bearing all my sin and shame
In love You came
And gave amazing grace

Thank you for this love, Lord
Thank you for the nail pierced hands
Washed me in Your cleansing flow
Now all I know
Your forgiveness and embrace

Worthy is the Lamb
Seated on the throne
Crown You now with many crowns
You reign victorious

High and lifted up
Jesus Son of God
The Darling of Heaven crucified
Worthy is the Lamb
Worthy is the Lamb

***

I'm reading the Belgariad by David Eddings and it's very good. I read 4.5/5 books so far... and I love it because of the prophecy and the steps that one chosen young man must take to fulfill the prophecy and destroy the evil God Torak. People, of course, waited for the boy who was destined to kill the evil God once and for all for a very long time. Right now, I celebrate Jesus' birth - the incarnation of God into a baby named Jesus. I know that Jesus is the Messiah who came to pay the price for the sins of the world. It's interesting how this fantasy series (and many others) have a "chosen one" to rid the world of evil and restore order. Jesus came to do just that and this time it isn't just a fairytale. I know my God did this for me because He loves me.

May He be exalted forever and ever! I'm thankful that in Christ, I have the promise of victory over sin and that one day, when Jesus comes back it'll finally be complete and sin and evil shall cease to exist.

Worthy is the Lamb. Amen.

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20 December 2007 @ 12:50 am

Saturday nights in neon lights, Sunday in the cell

I really miss talks with dabs. I'm so thankful for them =).

I'm even more thankful for prayer & clarity. I have all that I need. praise God! I can't organize my life into perfect balance - it will always be out of whack and I'll never be fully satisfied here. I know that God's grace is all that I need.

music: take me to the riot - stars

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16 December 2007 @ 12:33 am

you're making a small change to the way that you wear your heart

... i like it better now

it's a week shy from a year but i know i've changed so much. not just because of you but because of God moving. change is happening all around everyone everyday and although sometimes it can be one of the hardest things, it can also open up a new chapter of joy and excitement in one's life. i guess this year i abandoned so much of myself to change and my eyes were opened just a fraction more as a result. i believe i did make a change to the way i wear my heart.

i've learned huge lessons in pride and contentment this year. i've learned that those still moments in between heated arguments serve as a looking glass. so many times i've heard a still, small voice telling me what to do. sadly, most of the time i do not obey - my pride and stubbornness get in the way of an act that could bear much good fruit. but as i get to know God more, i see my mind opening up and i'm more willing to accept the fact that my stubbornness and pride is detrimental to both myself and others.

grace & mercy. so important. sufficient. perfection. i'll leave it at that.

vocalizing my praise to God instead of just assuming He knows. i wonder why the psalmist tells us to SHOUT for joy to the Lord. ponder ponder ponder. you have to feel it to heal it. that's something that has been in my mind ever since the women of faith conference. i do believe that the more ways we express our thoughts, the more we have closure. in a way, it's just realization rather than denial. it's a beautiful thing. i would rather come to terms with it than just leave it hanging. that way, problems don't get swept under the rug and fester to become bitterness and hatred. i'm just learning all of this now. so, we'll see how God continues to mold me in this area.

i think that's why songs, reading, and writing are so vital to my thought life and spiritual life. i read books to think critically about good and evil, i listen to songs to feel, and i write to express. it's just my own way of sorting out my own life and priorities. it's probably also a way for me to feel known and accepted. i pray that above all, i would be content with God knowing me fully. although reading, writing, and listening are all very important, the informations which is read, written about, and heard must also reflect wonderful and noble things. as is often the case, there's a balance to achieve.

i'm excited for what God has in store. although i feel more introverted and isolated in some ways, i'm really amazed at the other ways i am growing.

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27 November 2007 @ 12:32 pm

fried brain for breakfast

maaan......

my brain is so fried form this semester. i'll keep plugging away until monday....

.phys - rhr quiz tomorrow
.mlc essay q - ask teacher for tips
.hps - rec. org project; motsa assignment
.growth - presentation on thurs

then studying for finals =).

so tired. must keep going =(.

on another note, i'm going to go home and eat dumplings ^^

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05 November 2007 @ 04:06 pm

dissatisfied with the world

i don't want anything else except to know God. i want to be fully alive, not just getting by.

anyway, i'm really really happy because i have a bit of a breather this week. my physics class got cancelled and i just finish one of my assignments worth 10% of my final mark. i can't believe it's worth 10% considering the amount of time i spend on other assignments worth much less.

things are looking up. i'm so grateful for the life i've been given in Christ.

without further ado, here is the infamous to-do list:
. phys hw - fri
. mlc mt #2 - nov. 14
. famous canadian assignmnet - nov. 14
. reading assignment - nov. 14
. physics ch. 15-18 test - nov. 22
. physics lab test - nov. 23
. growth study project - nov. 29
. recreation organization project dancesportbc - dec. 3

to God be the glory forever and ever.

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01 November 2007 @ 11:55 am

A Week to Relax

yay! a breather week next week :). which means today i shall try to do some work:

. biography on george athans sr.
. start studying for mlc mt #2 on nov. 14
. prep for physics lab tomorrow

. growth study due nov. 22

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23 October 2007 @ 11:00 am

admiration & articulation

it's so hard to express my thoughts. i wish i could articulate my thoughts better and make them more coherent. i wish i could document every feeling onto paper to preserve its life. emotions are powerful. feelings can drive people to do things they may not normally do. perhaps it's the story that i love or maybe it's the power to make people feel or think a certain way.

another thing i've been thinking about lately is honour. i know that this is a huge weakness of mine and it makes me prideful. i get jealous when other people are better than me. even if it's very internal, i notice my own self-thought turning envious and asking "why can't i be better?". i'm thankful that God has shown me that there is a reason for everything and that i should not look for the approval of people, but for God's approval. i want to please Him because He loves me and He has extended His infinite mercy and grace to me. i'm glad God's changing my heart and helping me to let go of the sin that still binds my heart. i can be free knowing that my Creator loves me and has created me to be a specific way. He adores me and He blesses me when i obey Him.

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16 October 2007 @ 11:06 pm

closer

You want more space
I want less distance
you want more words
I want less noise
you speak in rythmes
I dream in wishes
we've got nowhere left to hide

You see the sun
I see the burning
you see good things in everyone

The closer my heart is
the further my head is from you
The more that I need you
the less I can see what to do

You want my hand
I want the darkness
you want the warmth
I want the cold
you walk ahead
I walk in circles
we've got nowhere left to go

You see the sun
I see the burning
you see good things in everyone

The closer my heart is
the further my head is from you
The more that I need you
the less I can see what to do

-

Such a cute indie song. I'm not sure if that makes sense. The first two lines really touched me.

You want more space
I want less distance

Just thinking about the bittersweetness *sigh*.

The chorus is kind of catchy, too. Other than that, it's a bit generic.

Alas, those 2 lines make the whole song worth it for me :).

This song's by "Lovers Electric"

mood:

creative

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15 October 2007 @ 04:05 pm

day to day

"Dreaming of big changes and broad influence isn't wrong, but it can distract us from doing the day-to-day work that actually brings massive, lasting change."

this computer lab is so incredibly stuffy. maybe they're trying to get people out of here by cranking up the heat, or maybe the heat is just turned up way too high.

anyway, it's that time of the week right before my 4:30 class.... and once again, i'm pondering which is a very good sign. i know it's a good sign when i begin to think. by thinking i can refocus my thoughts and put that thought into action. the little things count.

people have encouraged me lately... and it's the simplest thing in the whole world. there are times when i feel so messed up or inadequate but God truly shows me so much grace by loving me no matter what. there are people i know who love me. i know they love me despite all of my flaws, even thought they are not perfect themselves. it makes me want to extend that same kind of non-judgmental love which is so rare and precious today.

i'm looking forward to going home and resting.

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03 October 2007 @ 03:55 pm

Being Real Where it Counts

Psalm 42:3 - "My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, 'Where is your God?'

I feel like that has been happening to me lately... People asking me "Where is your God?"

"Let us practice authenticity in his Real Presence. We should feel free to cry out to God in all our agony. We can use all the words we would use with a best friend. Our Best Friend can take it. He's heard it all before.

In Psalm 42, I can follow David's example by being real with God in prayer

"These things I remember as I pour out my soul" (4a). Boldly state the issues, accusations, or crises that you can't get out of your head. "Why are you downcast, O my soul?" (5a). Explore the nature of your discouragement. "I say to God my Rock, 'Why have you forgotten me?'" (9a) Be direct, wholly truthful as you talk with God, expressing the depths of your doubts. "Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God" (11b). End with your authentic hope."

I want to be real with God.

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001585.cfm

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